Guilty by Relation Pt. 3

5th Session
     "Last time you said that 'I guess they never really understood' in reference to your many different doctor appointments. What made you say that?
     " Well, its somewhat hard to tell because at the time my sisters never really said anything or asked me what it was all about.  They knew that I wasn't properly toilet-trained when I was younger as most children are at two, three, or four years old.  I came to live with them when I was almost seven. But they didn't really say anything, but they showed me a lot of  scorn and ignorance. You know how young kids can be like that. When I first got there, I was told I was sleeping  in my younger sister's room as they had another twin bed in there. So I got cleaned up and my younger sister had a full blown temper tantrum and yelling at my parents saying that she didn't want me in her room, completely disregarding me though I was standing right there witnessing the whole thing. 
     "My gosh." The therapist said with look to be on the verge of tears.
    "Then later it was divulged that most of my incontinence problems were psychological.  That came thru at about ten or eleven years old. So first my Mom and Dad started taking me to psychologists, every week without fail, as though it was my fault, like there was something about me that needed to be fixed and only a psychologist or some other mental health professional could do it.  Then the psychologist got to be too expensive, so they took me to a social worker.  They then found out that all I was doing was playing board games all the time with the the therapist. Mom and Dad were really angry with that. The therapist said that all I really needed was a friend.  Someone to listen to me and be completely open and objective.  Which made them even more angry because they felt they had spent all this money for nothing, in their opinion.  
     " What happened after that? Did they give up?"
     "They let it go for a few years.  They got me involved with soccer, jazz dance and ballet, which I liked a lot better. The incontinence still happened, but not as often.  
     "Were you disciplined by your parents?"
     "By my father, yes, definitely.  He obviously thought that it was completely gross and unbearable at ten years old. He would spank me and go out and buy baby diapers for me and put them on me.  Yell and scream and shout and make me stay in my room for the rest of the day.  He didn't understand how I couldn't just go to the bathroom when I felt the need to.  They knew I felt the need because that's what the urologists conclusions were.   It was the teaching that was missing, and now on top of that there was the obviously extreme disapproval of my father and everyone else.  
     "What about your Mom? Did she ever try to help?  I can't imagine that mother wouldn't try to help."
     " Yes, at that time she was my one and only saving angel in my family. I remember one summer growing up, I guess I was about eleven or twelve, Mom and Dad had adult friends over that had children of their own that were our age. It was the weekend and the evening after dinner and my sisters and the other kids wanted to go out and play Flashlight Hide and Seek.  My mom insisted on them taking me although none of them wanted me including my sisters. They reluctantly agreed even though I didn't really want to go because I knew my sisters would tease me. But I appreciated Mom's sentiment because no one else had it.  So I went to go and hide for the game and no one came to look for me.   I came out from my hiding place and I noticed them laughing and talking in a group walking down the street. When we all came home I got really angry at them and was yelling and crying, 'Why didn't you come and look for me?' and ran upstairs to my room.  The party ended and I was scolded by my father for being a spoil sport, ruining everyone's good time.  I was different.  I was always different from them.  Not caring about what others thought as much.  Where they cared a great deal about what everyone said or thought about them.  
     " So are you saying this sentiment has carried over the years.?"
      "Pretty much, yeah.  I remember starting high school and my older sister threatened me with a head-swirlie in the toilet on the first day of high school, explaining that it was a tradition and all incoming freshman HAD to do it. She really made me believe it too.  I was absolutely mortified and my sister laughed and laughed at my expression.  My mother overheard her saying it and got mad at her right at the breakfast table.   Where my sister corrected herself saying 'I'm not saying that I would do it, but somebody will.' Of course, nothing happened.  But I gained a small good bunch of friends in high school. 
     "Really? Something good to talk about here?"  The therapist smiled. 
    "Yes. It was during my sophomore year that my friend Diane came over during a massive freezing rain storm and had dinner with us.  My older sister was supposed to go on Spring Break to Florida the next day and they weren't sure that they were going to be able to get out of the airport because of the weather so she was in a bad mood.  Diane and I talked alot in my room and listened to music.  My older sister's room was next door.  My friend said that my family(mostly referencing my sisters) seemed not to care about me at all and that one day they would probably stab me in the back.  I feel bad for not listening to her because she came from a very close knit Irish Catholic family and it seemed like she was attacking my family. I tried to explain that there were good times too. She told me that I was like a battered wife that didn't know or understand that I was being abused. She was getting ready to leave, when my older sister asked to talk to her alone for a minute.  I don't know what was said but she absolutely refused to come to my house again.  I wanted her to be one of my bridesmaids at my wedding but my mother absolutely insisted that my sisters be my bridesmaids.   
     "Did it get better when you went to college?"
    "Sort of.  I always opened up more with my friends, or my husband or daughter.  I had a boyfriend in college that came from my hometown and one day he came over to meet my family and have dinner.. And when he left, I walked him to his car and as soon as we got out of the house he said, 'You are really different around your family! You get so quiet.'  Later, I realized it was because everyone in my family had always told me to 'Shut Up!' when I was around them.  
     " Okay.  You've revealed a lot today. I'm so proud of you.  Keep writing please.  But let's call it a day."